oh dear god why taste test #3(e): abali yogurt soda

okay. okay okay okay. you can do this, nielsen, you're a professional. you ate durian, for god's sake, this should be small potatoes in comparison.

hi everyone. today for your edification and amusement i'll be drinking abali yogurt soda from the mediterranean grocery store on park ave.



full disclosure: i do have some limited experience in the realm of yogurt-based bottled drinks. on our first visit to the aforementioned grocery emporium i snagged a bottle of "dana" brand yogurt drink, thinking (wrongly) that it would be sweet, kind of thick and delicious like that lassi stuff you can get at indian restaurants. i was wrong. WHOA was i wrong. it was yogurt based, to be sure, and it was in a bottle, that part you could not deny, but all of my other assumptions about it were wrong. over the course of an interminable afternoon i consumed (well my wife and i) an entire bottle of thin, salty, white liquid that literally made your mouth cringe when you poured it in there. if it had not been for the extremely sweet caramels we also bought, it would have been nigh on undrinkable. so when i was out stocking up for this taste test i wanted to share the experience with you all but it seemed somehow disingenuous to pretend to "test" something that i'd already consumed before (and knew to be awful, truly truly awful) so i opted for the other bottled yogurt drink that they sell. also i don't think i could have willingly consumed the dana twice, knowing what i was in for, so i had to pick something new.

i don't know if the above picture does it justice, but i feel it necessary to point out that this shit is actually separated in the bottle (see the sediment on the bottom and the liquid on the top?) so it's going to require a bit of violent shaking on my part before it's even mixed together enough to consume. not to be confused, of course, with the violent shaking that my body will probably engage in immediately AFTER consumption, as it tries to withstand the onslaught upon my taste buds that will undoubtedly be abali yogurt soda.

okay have i built it up enough? let's do this.

i can't do it. i can't! i just looked at the ingredients on the side. this is what it says:

milk
carbonated water
yogurt culture
salt

that's it. what have i done? oh, hubris, do you know no limits? why must icarus eternally fly to the sun? why must sisyphus push his rock up the hill, again and again, forever more?

take heart, my good man. think of the words of Mallory, when asked why anyone in their right mind would want to climb Mount Everest. do you know what he said?

"Because it's there."





AGH! AAAAGH AAAAAAAA!!! THERE WERE CHUNKS!!! CHUNKS IN IT!!!!! CHUUUUUUNNNNNKKKKKSSSSSS!!!!!

i feel like i just drank somebody's puke. god. oh god and jesus and dear god and little baby jesus god. it's... awful. i cannot seriously fathom why someone would drink this. it's... it basically tastes like someone strained a huge block of feta cheese through an old gym sock into a big pile of salt, poured it into a bottle of sparkling water, and put some half and half in it. oh. ugh. words fail me, they honestly do, and i still have well over half the bottle left. god. i was kind of hoping that all my hemming and hawing would make it seem way worse than it would actually turn out to be but i was wrong - it's as bad as i thought it would be. all right. all right, pull yourself together here, big guy. come on, you can do it. who's mommy's little tough guy? who's my big man? you are. that's right, you are.





oh lord. more chunks. i guess i should have shaken it up some more. man. i honestly don't know if i can keep this down. who would drink this? call me a xenophobe but i really cannot picture anyone sitting around just casually sipping off a bottle of this stuff. maybe this is the big stupid american showing off his spoiled, sugar-saturated taste buds but i really find this stuff to be awful. it's just salty fizzy milky water. it's like if you put alka seltzer in skim milk. basically.

i just gave some to my wife and she slapped me on the shoulder for not warning her about how nasty it was going to be. couldn't you tell just by looking at it, woman?

all right let's finish this beast off.









uuunnnnnggggghhhhhh. uuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh. uh.

ungh.

uuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhnnnnnnnnnngggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

u

oh dear god why taste test #3(d): pony malta

time to press on, kiddies. wouldn't want anyone to think i was neglecting my bloggerly (?) duties. next up we have pony malta, procured from that breadbasket of all things good in the world, the viet hoa market on cleveland st.



i had no idea what malta was when i bought this. i'm reading the wikipedia entry about it now and frankly, i'm a little scared. molasses? stout soda? non alcoholic? what am i getting myself into here? oh well, no time like the present to find out, eh?





you know what? i've had worse. it's got kind of a yeasty, sweet, grainy, earthy taste to it that is a little shocking to one's palate at the first impression, but you kind of find yourself softening up to it pretty quickly. i actually kind of like this stuff.

yeah. it's weird. it's like beer soda, or something. it's definitely malted and it totally tastes like barley and grain, but there's no alcohol, but it doesn't taste like non-alcoholic beer or anything... it's dark, and sweet, and you would probably drink it over ice (as wikipedia is telling me people usually do) or cold out of the bottle (as i am now). kind of a molasses aroma, but the taste is sweet and grainy. let's have another swig, shall we?



hm! i'll tell you what... i am not entirely un-impressed by this. i really don't know what i was expecting but it wasn't this, whatever it was. it's sort of like a soda, sort of like a beer, sort of like an energy drink and sort of like nothing you've ever had before. i probably would not want to drink it every day but if you want a dark soda that tastes like rice krispies then i know where to send you to now.

thumbs up for pony malta. A+ - would drink again.

okay kids catch you again soon with... oh no. i just looked at the next drink on my itinerary. oh dear god no.

d

oh dear god why taste test #3(c): ace brand energy drink

whew! well frankly after consuming that crappy soybean juice drink with tapioca ball i am bushed! i wonder what i could have for a little pick me up? ooh! how about



an off brand energy drink that cost 60 cents? that's sure to put a little extra pep back in my step.

ugh.

yeah so what we have here is your basic heavily caffeinated, taurine/guarana/ginseng/inositol intensive soda type energy beverage. these fucking things are a dime a dozen (or i guess $7.20 a dozen in this case) and i've had nearly ALL of them at one point or another - red bull, blue ox, NOS, vitamin energy, stinger, monster, rockstar, rampage, xenergy, joker, psycho, bookoo, and a million other no-name knockoff brands that were so anonymously disgusting that they don't even merit mention here. basically whenever i'm at a gas station, convenience store, or closeout emporium and i find one i haven't had yet, i try it. there is no good reason for this other than masochistic curiosity, but who needs a better reason than that?

anyway "ace" is a new one on me, apparently modeled after some sort of world war 2 bomber plane or something. let's see what their website has to say:

"Ace Mission
For individuals who value their own unique personality. Ace Energy originates upon American tradition, but thrives on today’s custom culture lifestyles, Inspiring you to be an ACE in whatever it is you do.
To those who appreciate American music, custom cars & choppers, or a day’s hard work, Ace Energy delivers effective endurance for finishing the job.
A nostalgic imaged can encourages a unique lifestyle. Whether you are a soldier or a civilian, life demands energy.

Personality
The can design strongly communicates the brand’s core values. ACE Energy’s bullet riddled cockpit with alluring imagery directly connects with the danger, excitement and honor of military fascination."

well then! i'm not sure what any of that means (the honor of military fascination? custom culture lifestyles? this cannot be english as a first language here) but they conveniently sidestep any mention of the taste, which is not usually a good sign. but at least i'll have something to drink while i listen to my american music and work on my custom car and chopper after a day's hard work. okay, time to take the plunge.

i can already tell this is going to be disgusting





surprise of all surprises, it's not totally horrible. it's your basic sugary juice water energy drink model, but since they're not making any concessions to low-cal, low-carb, or anything else that would even be remotely considered healthy, they can basically just load up the sugar and disguise what is basically just an unremarkable carbonated juice drink under a mountain of sweetness. all in all not nearly as bad as some of the other abominations in energy drink form that i've consumed over the years. let's give it another go here and see what we get.



it's okay. i'm honestly a little surprised. this cost 60 cents and i'd say it's on par with monster or rockstar or amp or any of the other run of the mill, not good but not terrible energy drinks you can get at the average gas station. there have been a couple over the years (vitamin energy) that i actually thought tasted good and a few that i would never put in my body again under any circumstances (xyience big apple, i'm fucking looking at you here, you piece of shit) and this falls squarely in between those two poles, maybe even a little towards the "i don't totally mind this" end of things.

it's got a bit of a kick to it too, i took two or three good sized swigs and i'm already starting to feel a little jauntier, although that's usually just an indicator of the sugar content right off the bat more than anything else, but we'll see. let me get up and wander around for a minute here and see what happens.

yeah sure, why not. this stuff isn't bad. we'll say thumbs up, more for my extremely lowered expectations than anything else, but i would probably drink this again. the price sure doesn't hurt.

okay catch you next time

d

oh dear god why taste test #3(b): mong lee shang pearl soybean drink with tapioca ball

okay. on we go, to our second stop on the bullet train to hell, mong lee shang pearl soybean drink with tapioca ball.



i've never had this particular variety before but in the asiantown neighborhood of houston there was a bitchin' bubble tea place which served basically this exact beverage, so i THINK i know what i'm in for. those have also been famous last words. we'll see.

if you don't feel like browsing the wikipedia article i linked to above (lazy ass!) basically what you have here is a soy drink with little tapioca balls in it, kind of like the ones in tapioca pudding, except usually darker. you can make any number of drinks with these things: mochas, teas, even alcoholic cocktails i suppose although the mixture of booze with something you have to chew before you can swallow it is usually a formula for disaster. they vary in size - the place we used to go to in houston had (lord this is impossible to type with a straight face) absolutely ENORMOUS balls and they would serve their drinks in plastic cups with shrinkwrap over the top that you would puncture with these specially designed straws that were like a quarter inch around, just so the tapioca balls would fit through them. it's an interesting experience to be sure, and one that you can assuredly have yourself at at least one of the numerous asian restaurants in this great city of ours. anyway, on to the specimen at hand.

hrm. smells like cardboard. let's see what we have here.





tastes... kind of like cardboard. pretty dry and earthy and planty, with some fake sweetness. ingredients (by percent): water 74.65, sugar 10.6, tapioca ball 7.8, soybean 5, mung bean 1.3, non dairy creamer (non dairy creamer?) .65 so what you're tasting here is basically the ingredients of a cup of shitty gas station coffee (sugar/non dairy creamer) without the coffee and with soy and mung bean juice instead. with tapioca balls, which i did not get any of in my actual mouth on the first swig. let's take another whack at these balls, shall we?





ugh! aaagh! god! i basically had to chug the rest of the can before any of the tapioca ended up coming out. i suppose this is why they normally serve this stuff with a straw. maybe some of these illegible chinese characters on the side of the can say "CONSUME ONLY WITH STRAW STUPID WHITE PERSON" or some equivalent. oh well, i don't happen to have any quarter inch diameter straws lying around the apartment currently, so that would be kind of a wash anyway.

so what's the verdict on the mong lee shan pearl soybean drink with tapioca ball? not so great. it's not torture or anything, but it really doesn't have much flavor aside from the flatness of the soy and mung beans and the fake sweetness of the added sugar along with the fake creaminess of the non dairy creamer. all in all, a pretty crap reproduction of what can actually be a really awesome drink. the tapioca balls had no consistency and i had to slam basically about 3/4 of the can in one go just to taste any. i suppose a drink like bubble tea is pretty hard to reproduce in canned form with any shelf life, but if this is the best that ol' mong lee shang can do then they needn't have bothered. could have been worse, but still not what i'd call "good," by any stretch of the imagination.

okay, two down, far too many to go. catch up with you next time

love

d

oh dear god why taste test #3(a): cockta

ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it is not without a certain amount of trepidation that i invite you to now join me on the voyage into liquid insanity that i've dubbed the "oh dear god why taste test #3." we begin with cockta



the middle eastern pseudoequivalent of coke (i presume) and source of many hilarious and wholly immature jokes traded between myself and my friends and coworkers. available at the mediterranean grocery store, on park ave off of highland st. in all fairness cockta is one of the "ringers" (cockta ringers? heheheheh) i mentioned in my previous post, i've had it before (although only once) (heheheheh) so this is not going to be a complete blindside. nonetheless. we begin.

ow oh god i forgot it's not a twist off. i just shredded a good portion of my hand meat trying to crank my cockta off. (heh)

i defy you to find that sentence anywhere else in the blogiverse. i digress.

okay. bottle opener time. here we go.





it's... well, jesus, it's not THAT foul. it kind of tastes more like dr. pepper than coke, and although i can understand the appeal of trying to recreate the single most popular beverage in the world i still think "dr. cockta" (dr. cocktapus HEHEHEHEHH) would be a better name for it. it's super sugary but it really has a... planty, kind of pruney taste to it that reminds me of a tea more than a straight just sugar/water/chemical soda concoction.

from the side of the can: "ingredients: carbonated water [natch], sugar, a mixture of plant extracts [how delightfully vague], citric acid, caramel colour, flavouring [love the euro spelling], preservative. oh dear it looks here like this supposedly "middle eastern" beverage i've been blathering about is actually from the proud nation of Slovenia! another blow struck for sloppy amateur journalism!

okay time for another taste.



you know what? it's not awful. really, i can't imagine drinking it ALL the time or anything but i've had worse, and will have MUCH worse before this voyage is over, so what the hell. let's give cockta a tentative thumbs up (heh), for context if nothing else. there's your ringing endorsement...

"COCKTA: IT DOESN'T TASTE THAT BAD" (HHHHEHEHHHEHEHHEHHHEHHEHE)

the preceding message brought to you by the national tourism board of the nation of slovenia

okay kids, time to press on. this first outing was but a test...the true dangers lie in wait, much further down the road. but fear not. in the words of bob burden...

FORTUNE FAVORS THE BOLD

see you next time

love

d

oh dear god why taste test #3: preamble

welcome back to the "oh dear god why" taste test series, exploring the far fringes of the taste spectrum for your amusement and edification. we've got a whopper underway here so i wanted to make a few notes before we dig in:

the reason for the delay between the last taste test and this one (holidays notwithstanding) has to do with the size, scope, and ambition of this particular project. we've done durian, we've done aquavit with pickled herring and beer, but all of those things are fairly easily obtained. for this installment i wanted to take you all along on a liquid voyage across countries, continents, "dimensions not only of sight and of sound, but of mind" as rod serling would say. i wanted to take you to places in the heart.



to that end, i've assembled a staggering barrage of weird drinks from across this beautiful city of memphis (and in one instance, shipped special by my folks from the frozen tundra of west central wisconsin) and will be endeavoring to taste them all, and report back to you on the effects. what's the lineup, one asks?


cockta, apparently the middle eastern version of coke, available at the mediterranean grocery store on park ave


mong lee shan pearl soybean drink with tapioca ball, from dear old viet hoa on cleveland


an "ace" brand energy drink, procured from big lots on summer (cost: 60 cents)


something called pony malta, also from viet hoa


an abali yogurt soda from the mediterranean grocery store


carabao energy drink, from viet hoa as well


an unidentifiable brand lychee flavored soda, also from viet hoa


caravelle mandarin orange float (with sacs!) from viet hoa


yeo's soursop juice drink (jugo de guanabana) from viet hoa


frank's kraut juice, graciously shipped down from the old country for me by my dear mother


a can of DRAAAAANK!!!!!, the "anti-energy" beverage, which regular readers and close personal friends know i already love and adore, procured from a "pure" gas station on summer ave


and last but not least, a bottle of bawls high caffeine guarana beverage, from an anonymous little convenience store on summer ave

so there you have it. oh dear god why taste test #3: cockta, bawls and everything in between.

there are a few ringers in there but by and large i've never had most of this shit before so we'll be experiencing it together. i can't promise i can get through all this stuff in one sitting, or two, or a week or even a month, but rest assured dear readers with god as my witness i will not stop until i have consumed every last drop of these delightfully eccentric beverages, and taken photos of the faces that i make and written snarky comments and shared it all here, with you, because i love you all and i have to suffer to show you that, for some reason.

i can hear some of you saying "oh well that's all well and good but he's probably just going to take a sip and dump it out if he doesn't like it" to which i would respond of course "bite me" and pledge solemnly to consume each beverage in its entirely, preferably as fast as i can. the whole can of drank, all the yogurt soda, yes even the kraut juice...down the hatch. and you can bear witness to it all, if you want. if not i'm still going to do it anyway so you might as well check it out, might be good for a chuckle or two. i'll be back shortly with section a: cockta. hope to see you all there

your pal

d